if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's always time for handjobs
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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