Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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