I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
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do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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