the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
