Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
