My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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