Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
