i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
