I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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