just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
