: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
