update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
