So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
