my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
COCAINE IS GR8
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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