I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You are a genius and a whore.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
