I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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