Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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