Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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