what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
