She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
