So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
