Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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