I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
