are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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