is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
