this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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