My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
