omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize