I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
