captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
