Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
