He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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