Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
