Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Randomize
