I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
