I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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