so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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