So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
