You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
