Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
