there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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