I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
