I'm lost and stupid without you.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
