This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
