I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
