ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Randomize
