i need an iv and a liver transplant
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
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the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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