dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
