You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
