he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
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