Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
