Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
