I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
