There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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