He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
