Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
